authentic

i've been going through something of a personal crisis in the last few months, which is one of the reasons behind the sparsity in posting on this blog. i don't think it has been all that obvious to those i've been around, excepting janette of course (and probably freya too), but underneath the surface it's been a veritable battle royale.

a couple of days ago i read an essay in mars hill review (the surreal mccoys: a search for authenticity, by dale keller, issue 23), and a few quotes jumped out and grabbed me by the throat. discussing 'pure' as one of the meanings of authentic, keller writes,

"Applying this insight to authenticity in the human character, 'pure' people are those who are the same both inside and out."

the same both inside and out? that's definitely not me. on the contrary, there's a massive difference between what you see and what's happening 'on the inside'. hiding, for me, is more than a habit, it's a deeply ingrained response to the world and other people. it's the outworking of one of my deepest held (and hardest to dislodge) beliefs, that the 'true me' is too dirty, too warped and defiled, to be shown in the light of day, so must be kept deeply hidden. i know from experience that others either don't want to know about or can't handle the real me, so i never bring 'it' out in company.

problem is, i don't believe god can handle it either, that he doesn't want to know about me until i've gotten rid of the dirt. much of my christian experience has reinforced this, teaching me that what's important is maintaining the correct image, not rocking the boat, keeping that messy realities hidden from view. whatever the reason, and we can all play the blame game ad nauseum (and, after all, i'm the one who's ultimately responsible for my actions), the simple fact is that god can handle who i am, not matter how dirty. actually, it's even better than that - the truth is that god has handled it. it's not even a future certainty, it's something that has been accomplished already, the deal is done, the job finished, nothing more to say or do.

but even knowing that, i still fight against it constantly, thinking that i can handle it on my own. and the crap keeps building up, while i scamper around like a fool trying to keep it hidden from view.

later on in the essay, keller writes,

"God wants us to allow him to make a difference in others as a result of the difference he is making in us."

that's the meat of the issue. it's not just about me. i don't like admitting that who i am affects others, but it's an unavoidable reality of human life, if i care at all about those around me i need to face up to it. no matter how good i am at convincing myself that i'm not worth much, that i don't need to let god in for me, i don't want to stand in the way of what he wants to do for the ones i love, first and foremost my lovely 'girls', janette and freya. they are so worth it.

i know i posted this song not so long ago, but it fits too well with what i'm feeling, so here it is again:

Fascist architecture of my own design
Too long been keeping my love confined
You tore me out of myself alive

Those fingers drawing out blood like sweat
While the magnificent facades crumble and burn
The billion facets of brilliant love
The billion facets of freedom turning in the light

Bloody nose and burning eyes
Raised in laughter to the skies

I've been in trouble but I'm ok
Been through the ringer but I'm ok
Walls are falling and I'm ok
Under the mercy and I'm ok

Gonna tell my old lady
Gonna tell my little girl
There isn't anything in the world
That can lock up my love again

(Fascist Architecture, by Bruce Cockburn, from Humans, 1980)